I have some serious whining to do— so much so that I’m embarrassed to post it on my other blogs– even my fibromyalgia blog, which is where I normally do my whining. But I feel so bad and so whiny that it exceeds the self-pity limit over there. So I’m tiptoeing over here to do a little blog therapy.
My god, I have never hurt so much in my life. It’s the fibromyalgia, for sure. Dropping a flaming marshmallow on my arm when I was a kid hurt less than this (don’t ask). Birthing my babies hurt less than this. In fact, given a choice between having say, seven babies every day and the pain that I’ve been feeling lately, I’d choose the babies any day. I can’t describe this, but I just want to climb out of my body and leave this horrible pain.
There seems to be no escaping this. I don’t know what to do. It’s really taking a toll on my self-esteem too. I’ve been going into work with pillows and a heating pad, like some old woman in a nursing home. These days, I no longer feel young, and my zest for life has gone down the tubes. I look at other women my age, and where I used to feel so much more youthful than most of my peers, I now feel incredibly older. I envy their vigor, the way they zip around the office with such energy. These days, I hobble. I never feel sexy or cute or self-confident any more, and I wonder if I ever will again.
I worry about the future, and not just in years any more. I worry how I’m going to make it to the end of the day. I feel so sad because I’m around so many good people, but I can’t enjoy it fully any more, because I see everything through pain. I want to hide from the people at work, because I know that they feel sorry for me. I cry a lot.
Sigh… I want my old quality of life back. In fact, I’d settle for half.
Tags: aaaargh, chronic pain, fibro
